“A Friendly Reminder” by paul hudon

paul hudon sent along the following essay:

Dear Mr. Antoine Furtive,

We here at your neighborhood bank notice that your last three mandatory credit vouchers are yet unclaimed. MCVs are the result of fours years of study by There’s Blood Yet to Be Had from This Stone Foundation. Introduced just three short days ago, MCVs now account for over 86% of the business done by banks as of this morning, a little after ten.

That success in fact has every one here wondering why it wasn’t until last Thursday that some genius came up with the idea. All the more amazing when you consider that the financial services industry has never been retardaire when it comes to devising innovative ‘instruments.’

Making these instruments available to you has not been easy. MCVs only became globally recognized after the defeat of leftist forces who for nearly nearly two hours attempted to derail implementation. These social deviates were hoping to use the judiciary to strangle in its cradle this marvelous new tool, only now starting to reveal its full promise. This insane, irrational, and vindictive attempt to deny you the credit you want, when you want it, is yet another demonstration that these people have no moral restraint whatever. Nearly 1100 suits were filed against MCVs, worldwide. But not one court, not one, has so much as accepted to hear the case; there was not a single jurisdiction on the planet willing to give standing to these social misfits. People who actually refuse to perform the rites of citizenship while on the other hand are ever willing in their perverse way to misrepresent what the Great American Republic is about. Absurdly, they insist on spelling the word as ‘rights.’ They think of it as an incantation — apparently, a magic word that if repeated often enough and by a wide enough acquaintance of people will conjure up what it describes, and make it real. They work from the wild assumption that if you change people’s language, you’re in control; and if you control language, you have the whatall to shape the audience. This is sheer delusion.

We all know, every one knows, the only way to shape an audience is to allow individuals to make a free product choice. That’s what it means to be among God’s People, to make that choice.

That brings us, Mr. Furtive, to our purpose here. And what is that? It is to make you see reason. We want you to see that neglecting to purchase your allotment of MCVs is a serious breach of duty. It is a criminal act of neglect. Some have even suggested that we find a place for it in the Treason Taxonomy.

But the Furtive household does not yet have cause for alarm. We at The Better Banking Bureau, as do all elements of The Party, never opt for destruction until instruction has been tried and failed. We are confident that once you are made to understand what MCVs do, how they function to achieve perfect equality, you will not only participate willingly, you will as well experience a profound gratitude for the sense of opportunity to fill your own life with meaning. When the individual and the social converge in perfect harmony, MCV is the tool that will make it happen. You Antoine Furtive are being called to bear witness to your own fulfillment. Will you heed the call?

MCVs are flat-rated regardless of income or prospect of income. Gender, age, ethnic or sectarian identities are likewise disregarded. Every person on earth is accounted a Unit, nothing more, nothing less. MCVs recognize no distinctions. The rate for monthly Mandatory Credit Vouchers has been reset in the last quarter hour, and now stands at 3880.00 dollars, American.

This systematic leveling of all must result in a rejuvenated Democracy for all. This is the magnificent objective we have set for ourselves. But we have a ways to go yet. We’re still not there. We the People will have achieved the final perfection of Our Republic only when every single Unit in the nation makes the same product choice at the same instant. That will be a great day for all of us, the day of liberation from past failures. The rest of the world will play catch-up, as it always does. More proof, as though honest opinion needed more proof, of our nation’s exceptional character and destiny.

Though it’s already been three days, the BBB has never once exacted administrative or transactional charges for handling MCVs. This sacrifice, voluntarily made, is a measure of the industry’s commitment. Any one who takes three seconds to think about it will agree that the industry has done its share. Now you must do yours. We’re all in this together.

Do not allow leftist forces with their language fetishism to misguide you. There is no contradiction — as they claim there is — between mandated credit vouchers and a product choice freely made.

We are counting on you, Mr Furtive, to do the rite thing.