A Most Gracious Rebuttal to the Modest Proposal of Annexation

By Rich Grady (anonymously)

In the spirit of Jonathan Swift . . . 

To our dear friends south of the border:

It is in the spirit of Monty Hall and “Let’s Make a Deal” that we acknowledge your proposal for annexing Canada as your 51st state. It came on the telly with the evening news, which we only happened to be watching because it was on before the Maple Leafs played the Canadiens. While we recognize that your offer was made with monarchical sincerity, we must respectfully counter with a politely considered win-win proposal.

Let us begin with our understanding that your inspiration was from watching the 1995 “Canadian Bacon” movie starring John Candy. Who can forget the hawkish image of maple syrup dripping down across the map of North America, and the scary fact that 90% of our population is massed on your northern border, poised and ready to raid your stores to avoid Canadian taxes – similar to the way Massachusetts residents reportedly make forays into New Hampshire to buy liquor. Furthermore, we acknowledge that we lag your country in content for the nightly news, such as mass shootings, healthcare bankruptcies, and gossip from reality TV shows; but you have our assurances – we can do better in this regard by following your example. Therefore, in the spirit of diplomacy and the art of the deal, we are willing to entertain your proposal with a few reasonable conditions for your kind consideration, as follows.

First of all, we would like to see the grand new nation called the “Dominion of the United States and Canada.” Notice how we put the United States first. And respectfully, Canada should not be a mere 51st State, but 10 new States – one for each Province – bringing the new nation total to a nice round number of 60. This addition of 10 States will give you 20 more Senators. If you are concerned about what party they might align with, we propose reducing the 6 New England States to just one, to be called “South Quebec.” Of course, this presumes that you would wish to maintain a representative form of government, but we are open to a discussion of monarchies – after all, “God Save the King” is still our official royal anthem, while “O Canada” serves merely as our national anthem.

Our territories – Nunavut, Northwest Territories, and Yukon – will position the new nation well to drill for more oil in the Arctic, dig for gold, and dominate the Hudson Bay fur trade. And strategically, Nunavut is separated from Greenland by barely a whisker. It can serve as the staging area for the annexation of that icy jewel of the North and its musk oxen. Our affinity for ice would make us the ideal launch pad for a charm offensive. We will simply start moving in, opening Tim Hortons, and running hockey clinics. Before your next Presidential election, Denmark will fold and Greenland will beg to join the NHL, and the Arctic shall be ours.

We don’t want to be too demanding, but we do have a few more conditions that we believe have merit. If it’s not too bold to suggest, we think hockey should replace baseball as the national pastime. Frankly, a sport where people stand around chewing gum for three hours scratching body parts pales in comparison to the action of bloody fisticuffs on ice. And if the rumor is true that baseball has been superseded as your national pastime by suing each other, then even more reason why hockey should prevail – settle it on the ice! And eh, if it’s not too much to ask, we would like to see Tim Hortons replace Dunkin Donuts, and Bob and Doug McKenzie replace Ben and Casey Affleck as spokesmen.

Finally – and this one would practically seal the deal – let’s have Neil Young compose the new national anthem. As we assimilate, an anthem composed by Neil, a true son of Canada and adopted citizen of the United States, could create chivalrous civil chaos with a folk-rock-grunge-country melange. We envision something harvesty and hip, with just the right amount of harmonica and guitar solos, that sings about our rugged landscapes, Alabama, Alberta, Pocahontas, North Ontario, and our existential crises. “The Star Spangled Banner” has had a good run, with its rockets and ramparts and such things. And as for “O Canada” – well it was originally written in French and then translated into English, and poutine and tourtiere were lost in the translation. Oh, and one more thing – we would like both of these aforementioned culinary delights to be served in sports stadiums and concert venues across our new nation, eh?

We humbly request a formal response within 30 days, after which we reserve the right to ignore the entire matter and remain on our border perch, watching the reality TV show to our south, sipping a Hortons double-double with a generous shot of rye whiskey. If you would like to engage in making a deal, our moose-mounted diplomats will arrive to begin merger talks faster than Connor McDavid streaking down the ice to put the puck in the net.

Politely yours,
Your Northern Neighbors