Divorce or Rebirth??

By Nick Cote

Author’s Note: I wrote this piece soon after I made the very difficult decision to leave a very long term relationship and marriage in 2017. To me, writing is very cathartic and therapeutic. I write pieces such as this about my life as a way to work through issues that are commonplace in my life and for so many people who experience the same issues. We are all human. We all make decisions, good, bad or indifferent. Each and every experience we have has the opportunity to be an example in which we learn. I do ask that there are no negative, hate filled, or comments in any way that can be considered slander. That being said, if this piece touches you in any way, please leave a comment and share your thoughts. 

If we could start again, would that change the ending??

This is a question that lingers in the back of my mind along with a trove of other thoughts that take up way too much space.

How do you let go….

Of something that is clearly no longer working?

Of something that you cannot say is “no longer” working because you have no fucking clue as to when it actually worked?

Of something that despite being on and off, chaotic, heart breaking, loving at times and incredibly toxic has been part of you for so long?

Of something that you know deep down is no good for anyone, yet at the same time, you are struggling to let it go?

Of something that eats you alive inside, yet the thought of it no longer being there scares the shit out of you?

Of someone that you have grown apart from yet still feel very connected with?

Of someone who at times you cannot stand the sight of, yet you crave their very touch?

Of someone who has given you the world, yet taken so much away?

Life is complicated. Why do we allow ourselves to get so attached to someone that can potentially rip us apart at any given time? Why are we so willing to give someone that much power over us….over our emotional state of mind?

We fall so quickly, yet we heal at an incredibly slow pace.

I met my soon to be ex-wife in high school. We were both fifteen years old. It was 1995. We had our first child at eighteen, three weeks before we graduated. Together a total of twenty-two years on and off and married for twelve of those years. We have four beautiful children together.

It’s not easy to stop thinking about someone there is a constant reminder of.

It’s not easy to live with every decision you make.

It’s not easy to see the future when the present is so dark.

I’ve failed as a husband….

I’ve failed as a father….

I’ve failed as a friend….

I’ve failed MYSELF….

Welcome to 2017 and your new way of life. Welcome to your new way of thinking, doing, and being. Nothing is as it seems and nothing will be what it once was. Divorce or Rebirth?? Feels more like a Lobotomy. In all seriousness, everything that you thought you knew, forget it, much like birth, you come out of a divorce knowing NOTHING. You don’t know how to live. You don’t know who your friends are and are not. You don’t know who you can trust and who you cannot. You simply do not know how to start again. I know I certainly did not buy a ticket for this bullshit rollercoaster ride. Divorce is such a fickle bitch. Though, I am slowly starting to learn that divorce can be a painfully beautiful experience in the sense that while dealing with an incredible, painful loss you are simultaneously experiencing a beautiful new beginning. A rebirth if you will.