Photo by Helena Lopes

Living Madly: Loneliness, Third Places, and The Back Table

By Emilie-Noelle Provost

Much has been written about the current “loneliness epidemic.” For the last fifteen or so years, people everywhere have become increasingly isolated from one another, a problem both exacerbated and accelerated by the COVID-19 pandemic. People are spending less in-person time with friends and family, instead relying on social media to forge and maintain personal connections. More employees work from home today than ever before.

The World Health Organization has called the loneliness epidemic a global health concern, as people who are lonely are more prone to depression, anxiety disorders, dementia, and heart disease than those who enjoy healthy interpersonal relationships.

The loneliness trend has affected people of all ages but a lack of social connection seems to be a particular problem among those in their twenties. Because people in this age group are “digital natives” who grew up using social media as their primary means of interacting with one another, some experts believe many of these young people lack the basic social skills required to form healthy, meaningful friendships and romantic partnerships.

In addition to our reliance on social media, some experts have cited the increasing lack of “third places” as a significant contributing factor to our collective loneliness. A third place is defined as a public space separate from one’s home or workplace, where people can gather to socialize and connect with others.

Churches, social clubs, coffee shops, bookstores, barbershops, cafés, parks, bars, and public libraries are all examples of third places. These spaces provide casual, pressure-free environments in which people can meet and interact with one another. Because many third places attract individuals who share particular interests or other commonalities, they can help people feel less isolated and foster a sense of community.

When I was a teenager and young adult, third places were ubiquitous. Nearly everyone I knew had at least one hangout, a place they could go pretty much any time to meet up with friends and friends of friends, free from the worry of not being accepted. There were kids who hung out on the steps in front one of the pizza places in town, kids who haunted our high school’s media center, and others who were permanent fixtures in the school’s music room. My father and stepmother socialized with their friends from church at a potluck dinner once a week. It was common for adults to belong to bowling leagues and fraternal organizations.

When I was in college, my friend group and I had “the back table,” a round ten-seater located in the far corner of the school’s commuter cafeteria from which fifteen or twenty associated people regularly came and went at all times of day. We went there to study, to eat, to commiserate, to ask one another for advice, to share our triumphs and failures, to gossip, laugh, and cry. Most importantly, perhaps, we sat at that table to talk—about nothing and everything.

It was at the back table that we found out about parties, whose bands were playing at which clubs, whose boyfriend or girlfriend had dumped them, who needed a ride to work or a few bucks for gas. It was there that I forged my most lasting friendships—people I could still call at any time of day unannounced. It’s where I met and became friends with my husband.

It’s almost impossible for me to imagine what my life would have been like without this “third place.” It was my home away from home during one of the most formative periods of my life. But I also can’t imagine that our back table would have existed the way it did if smart phones and social media had been part of our lives.

According to some sources, places such as coffee shops and bookstores have declined in number due to economic factors, people working more hours, the increasing prevalence of technology, and a growing reluctance among many to spend time in public. Corporate policy changes that limit the amount of time people can spend in some public places are also an issue.

I don’t know what the solution to the loneliness epidemic is, but I know it’s a problem that can’t be fixed unless we are willing to turn off our computers, leave our houses, and talk to one another in person.

In spite of the general decline in public gathering places and a political climate that discourages cooperation among citizens, business owners, and landlords, there are still more potential third places out there than most people realize. Most cities and towns have neighborhood parks, coffee shops, bars, bowling alleys, libraries, and breweries. We are still free to take walks, sit down at bars and say hello to the people next to us, and take our laptops to coffee shops to work for a few hours in the presence of others.

It’s just a matter of getting off the couch.

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Emilie-Noelle Provost (she/her) is the author of The River Is Everywhere, a National Indie Excellence Award, American Fiction Award, and American Legacy Award finalist, and The Blue Bottle, a middle-grade adventure with sea monsters. Visit her at emilienoelleprovost.com.