The Great Book Burn-a-Thon

By David Daniel

“Welcome to Radio KTRD’s third annual Spring Book Burn-a-Thon! Bob Toole here, along with co-host Carly Kindler. We’re broadcasting all day to celebrate a great cultural tradition in our metro area. We know you’re as excited as us, so let’s get to the phones! Who do you have, Carly?”

“Right, Bob. Sugar’s on the line calling from Keegerstown. Go ahead, Sugar, what book are you suggesting for our bonfire?”

“Burn Herzog.”

“Sugar, Bob here. Her zog. That how you say it? Sounds evil. I haven’t read that one.”

“Neither have I.”

“I’m just checking Google here, Bob. Here it is—that one’s by Saul Bellow. Won a National Book Award . . . that’s suspicious right there. Gives a synopsis—umm, yadda, yadda . . . mmm, sounds kind of pointless.”

“So, thumbs up on that one, Sugar. Bring it on down. Let’s take another call, Carly.”

“Mike’s in a car. Go ahead, Mike.”

“Am I on?”

“Go ahead, Mike.”

“Yeah, I just wanna say about that last book, I damn sure ain’t read it either, but you don’t gotta get down into the hog wallow to know garbage. A dirty book by a dirty man is—”

“Or dirty woman. Let’s not be sexist about this.”

“—is all’s you got to know. Here’s one I wanna see toss’d on the fire. ‘Trout Fishing in America.’”

“That’s the title?”

“What it says here. Some guy named . . . Brautigan.”

“Brought a gun?”

“I’m tryna read what it says on the . . . ”

“Careful while you’re driving, Mike. Um, I don’t know that one. Some sort of fishing book, you say?”

“They wanted to make my son read it for school. I took a look—and pee-uu. I like to thrown it right in the trash if it wasn’t a schoolbook and I’da hadda pay.”

“That says a lot about you as a parent and citizen, Mike. You might consider running for school committee.”

“I just now decided, schoolbook or no, I’m bringing it on down for tonight’s fire.”

“Onto the pile it goes. Remember, listeners, you can take the fight right to the school board in your own town. It’s people standing up to smut that brings change. Isn’t that so, Carly?”

“Right, Bob. The school committee, the local library. That’s a good place to start. And if you get resistance—some of those library ladies can be pretty pesky—tell them they work for you. You pay their salaries. And it’s your right to free speech. Haul books right off the shelves if you have to to make your point.”

“Well—haha—I don’t know if that’s where I’d start, Carly, but at least make some noise.”

“Which is what the group sponsoring tonight’s bonfire is doing, Bob. They’re called ‘Moms for Others’ Sake’ and they’re not shy about sticking their noses in and looking out for all of us.”

“So, folks, if you’re just joining me and my co-host Carly Kindler, our goal’s to have a heap of books by nine p.m. That’s when we’ll light up. If you’re in the area, come on by! It’s family friendly fun. Meanwhile, listeners, you can phone or text us with requests.”

“When you think about it, Bob, books are more of a threat than guns.”

“Well you do hear that. Make the argument, Carly.”

“A criminal breaks in your house, are you going to stop them with a book?”

“Probably not. Unless it’s a big fat book. Haha. Or a boring one.”

“Meanwhile we’ve got texts and tweets here. I’ll just read some of the titles that’ve been  . . . uh, anything by J. K. Rowling. Tenderness by Robert Cormier. To Kill a Mockingbird. The Grapes of Wrath. The Absolutely True Diary of a Part Time Indian by Alexi, is that how you say it? The Handmaid’s Tale. Any books by D.H. Lawrence. Any by Toni Morrison. Don’t know if that’s a man or a woman. Woman? Bob says woman. Okay. And this last one—Charlotte’s Web.”

“Hmm—I’m curious about that one, Carly. A children’s book, isn’t it?”

“Well, it is, but according to what it says here on the Moms for Others’ Sake ban list it’s heavy on death and it gets very sad—so maybe not appropriate for youngsters.”

“Okay, well. Food for thought.”

“Just to remind listeners, Bob, we’re broadcasting all day, and if we can get actual copies of some of these books tonight, so much the better. We’re gathering everything right out in the K-TRD studio parking lot where we’ll have the bonfire.”

“Someone was asking earlier, won’t burning filth just pollute the air? All I can say is it shouldn’t. A good righteous fire that burns really hot . . . haha. By the way, if listeners have got audiobooks or CDs, or even record albums—”

“Dating yourself, Bob. Just got another text message—The Catcher in the Rye.”

“That the one about the drunk ballplayer? LOL. I know the book. Read it in high school . . . I actually kind of liked it.”

“You’ve got a stronger stomach than I do, Bob. Anyway, it’s all fair game, folks. Bring them on by. We’ll see they get their due. Remember, we want this year’s event to be the biggest yet. And to that end, for anyone bringing along three or more books for the blaze we’ll be offering exciting prizes.”

“The phones are lighting up. Callers waiting to get on. We have city councilman Stappo on line one. A good day to you, sir.”

“Great to be on. I just want to pump this event for our community. What it gets down to, it gets down to who’s making our decisions for us. At the next council meeting I’ll be introducing a proposal to freeze funding for the city library.”

“Really? Wow. That’s uh . . . that’s thinking out-of-the-box, Councilman.”

“It’d save money, for starters. As it stands, we’re all paying for a library that not all of us use. If we make it a private business, well, there’s control over inventory. And, shoot, maybe it’d turn a profit.”

“Well, you’re always with the ideas, sir. Will you be there tonight?”

“Wouldn’t miss it. I’ll bring the marshmallows.”

“That’s councilman Gus Stappo, folks. And I want to give another plug for Mom’s for Others’ Sake—MOFOS—who are making sure that bad books don’t end up in the hands of good people. Carly’s signaling we’ve time for one more call.”

“Last one for this segment, Bob. Let’s go to Winnisburg. Howdy, caller . . . you’re on K-TRD!”

~*~

National Library Week is April 6-12

“In 2023, the American Library Association reported that the number of titles targeted at public libraries had increased more than 90 percent from a year prior, and 17 states – including Florida, Texas, and Connecticut – had seen more than 100 censorship attempts. A more recent report from the free expression-focused nonprofit PEN America notes that more than 4,000 unique titles have been banned across the country. The organization says that we’re in a moment of education censorship “unseen since the 1950s-era Red Scare.”

— From Boston Globe 3/11/25

At present, legislators in Alabama, Arizona, Georgia, Indiana, and Texas are debating legal penalties against teachers and school librarians for discussing unapproved books.

Rhode Island is introducing a bill that would combat efforts to ban and censor books and punish teachers.