Space, Time and God

By Stephen O’Connor

I’ve been cogitating over this whole “time” thing. Space, too. I heard a Nobel Prize winning physicist on the radio say that all the matter in the universe originally fit into a teacup full of super-dense material. This is a dubious theory, since I am hardly able to fit the loose change on my bureau into a coffee mug. At some point, physicists contend, there was a big bang, commonly known as “the Big Bang,” that scattered the contents of the teacup into the void, and fourteen billion years later we have five billion humans, all of whom could potentially have their own reality TV show.

How did we go from a teacup full of heavy stuff to this advanced level of civilization? And an entire multiverse? And where did the teacup come from?

In order to respond, I’m going to have to explain a few things to you, insofar as I am able to explain these things to a lay audience that may lack my powerful grasp of the key concepts of modern physics based on tireless lucubrations and YouTube videos.

Pay attention, now. Let’s begin with the various sources of energy in the universe. First there is electro-magnetic energy, then there is gravity, and then there is nuclear energy, the energy that binds small particles in atoms. (I have studied both fission and fusion carefully; I will be publishing a paper soon on how they interact in a new theory I call “co-fusion,” or “confusion.”)

Perhaps the most mysterious of these forces is gravity. Now every schoolboy knows that no one had noticed that things tend to fall to earth when they are not held up until Sir Isaac Newton was sitting under a tree and was struck on the noggin by an apple. From this, he deduced that it was probably an apple tree under which he was sitting; his theory involved equations and was popularized by the Andrews Sisters in their 1943 hit “Don’t Sit Under the Apple Tree.”

Electro Magnetism is another mysterious force whose full potential was never realized until bumper cars were invented. In fact, the entire Earth is swept by invisible fields of electro magnetism. Scientists now believe that the electro-magnetic fields are on the verge of reversing; that all of the compasses on Earth will one day in the near future begin to point south. No one (not even me) knows for certain why this is going to happen, but the most likely theory is that that Blackrock has the government contract to manufacture new compasses.

Einstein tried to find a single “unified theory” that would explain how all of these forces interact. He believed that it was necessary to understand light and its relation to time. He said that light travels at a speed of 186,000 miles per second, from which he extrapolated that Satchel Paige was probably exaggerating when he claimed that Cool Papa Bell was so fast that he could turn off the light and be in bed before the room was dark. Einstein is known for having had some very deep thoughts, and like most men with deep thoughts, he made all the women around him miserable.

Before he gave up physics to get into the bagel business, Einstein explained gravity by proposing that massive objects bend the space around them, and therefore that space itself is curved, and the planets orbit around the sun in the same way that a marble spins around in a sink. Consequently, if we were to board a rocket ship at City Hall in Lowell with an infinite amount of fuel and were able to fly directly upward at the speed of light, eventually we would return to the spot from which we’d taken off. In this way, Einstein verified scientifically the popular local belief that no matter how far or how quickly you go, you can never get away from Lowell.

Unfortunately, however, it is not possible for us to travel at the speed of light. As we approach the speed of light, three interesting things happen. First, mass increases to the point that the energy required to reach that velocity would be infinite. You have probably noticed that if you are pushing a car to get a jump start, and your wife instructs you to push it faster, the car seems to get heavier as you try to increase the velocity.

The second thing that happens as you approach the speed of light is that length actually increases, which means—well, never mind.

And third, time slows down. Now, you say, how could time slow down? In fact, time can almost come to a standstill, and  if you doubt it, I urge you to take a number at your local Registry of Motor Vehicles. In college, I once sat through a lecture on economics during which I believe that three weeks passed in the world outside the lecture hall. When I emerged, I had a beard. I slept for two days.

I hope that I’ve clarified some of the questions you may have had about our universe. I will conclude with an answer to the big question that my discussion will no doubt have raised in your mind. Does God exist? Well, there have been two ways of looking at this issue. Some scientists say that physical laws explain all of the workings of the universe, while Aristotle and others maintain that the laws of the universe are so perfect that a God or “prime mover” must have designed them. Although as a scientist, (of sorts), I insist on reason and empiricism, my mind is open. Was the universe created through natural processes operating on a teacupful of matter, (i.e., the universe created itself). Or, is there a Supreme Being who built, set and wound the big clock?

I was tired of living with this mystery and of hearing less perspicacious minds debate it. Therefore, I embarked on an experiment involving a large antenna in an apple tree, a HAM radio, archeological religious artifacts, supercomputers, radio lasers, and a Gregorian choir.

At first, we received only one message which my associate and I attributed to God; however, we became suspicious when (H)e asked us to send him $75.00. The alleged God turned out to be a radio preacher in Houston. Still, we felt this was a promising beginning, or at least a beginning. We incorporated quantum computing in single band that cannot occur naturally, and readjusted our radio lasers to exclude all but deep space. We felt certain that our project, like the apple tree, would eventually bear fruit and pressed on.

Our hypotheses were correct. I’m pleased to report that we have received a definitive divine message, and that the New York Times is soon to proclaim that ‘God Is Alive.’ Now, for the first time, I unveil to the public the contents of the decoded pulsations we’ve received from a galaxy scientists have named GN-z1.

Well, that was the plan. However, the imagination of the writer fails at this critical juncture. What might God say? The mind of the writer is full of inadequate possibilities. He therefore will leave it to the reader to conjure from the vasty deep a message, cynical or hopeful, according to his or her nature, and post it in the comments.